Ryou's World, formerly Ryou's Planet of Insanity
by DreamingChild
Summary: Do you want to read something strange? Something that comes from a deranged mind? Then, welcome, to Ryou's. (Rated for safety, see author's notes for details)


_A.N. I don't know where this came from. Ok, I do. I was trying to write a serious fic, but all that would come out was funniness. The weirdness just increased as the chapter lengthened. So it's not very funny at the beginning. This is a one-shot, for now..._

_(There is character bashing in this. It isn't done out of hate for any character, I mean, I make fun of Bakura - the Holy One - for goodness sakes! It's all meant out of fun, and that's why I do it to all of the characters, indiscriminately. If you can't deal with that, I suggest you skip this one.)_

_Tachi at the end of someone's name means 'and them' so Yuugi-tachi is like 'Yugi and them.'_

_The part with the cart is a Montey Python reference._

_I'm sure that everyone will get the Sailor Moon reference, but just in case, 'kamen' means mask in Japanese._

_Otogi is 'Duke's' original Japanese name._

_Serenity's breast's were not harmed in the writing of this fic._

_Otogi's privates were._

_Behold, my creation. It's alive!_

* * *

**Ryou's World**

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(formerly known as the "Planet of Insanity")

(betcha you didn't know that Ryou had his own planet)

(Oh, yes, in fact, he has, like, ten sailor scouts to protect it)  


(and he loves this man, from the moon, who's name is Bakura-Kamen, who wears a silk top-hat, tuxedo, and a mask, and goes around throwing sharp, pointy plants at people who disturb him. or make passes at Ryou)

(and by the moon, I meant the moon of Ryou's planet, not the moon of the lowly planet you lowly beings live on)

(I mean, come on. Your moon doesn't even have a name. You people thought that your planet was flat and the center of the solar system, for chrissakes!)

(Thank god for Da Vinci)  


* * *

"Hikari," Bakura said, "I don't want to hang around the Pharaoh-tachi. This is just a waste of time." He tried to sound irritated, but Ryou knew better. He'd spent a good hour trying to figure out what to wear. "Is leather appropriate for a graduation party?" he'd asked. "Yami, it's the summer. You'll swelter in those! Try this on."

He pulled on khakis and a light blue shirt. "But Hikari, I look so... clean cut. All I need now is a little alligator on a sweater." He said, scrunching his face in disgust.

"Yami, it's no big deal. No one really cares what you wear." He ignored me, and looked through about fifteen different combinations of outfit until he'd made his choice, a tight black t-shirt and dark blue-jeans, with a short-sleeved, unbuttoned gray shirt on top. He pulled on some big, scuffed black boots. Just like him, trying to look the tough guy. It was casual, yet slightly imposing. "That's perfect, Yami." I reached into the dresser, and pulled out some of Bakura's jewelry. I found a black leather cord with a small ankh suspended from it. "Here, take this, it'll match."

He grabbed it and smiled. "As usual, I look perfect. Of course, with a _little_ help from you, hikari. Now where's that hair gel?"

Needless to say I was rolling my eyes during most of this ordeal. Now that we were finally out of the house, nothing was going to stop me from getting to Yugi's. "Bakura, you and I are going there, and we are going to have fun, so deal with it!" I glared at him.

"Fine, but if I kill any of them, it will officially be your fault," he said, with mock sincerity. I was relieved. As apprehensive as he seemed about hanging out with these people, he was taking it with a grain of salt. That made me smile.

"Well, there's not much chance to that, seeing as you don't have your powers any more." I looked sideways at him, noticing that he looked angry. I wondered if I'd overstepped my bounds. Then he smirked.

"What do you think? That I don't know how to use my hands? Or, more importantly, sharp, pointy metal objects?" He reached into his back pocket and pulled out his switchblade, which had been stored there so regularly, that it began to rub it's pattern off on the pocket. He flipped it open, examining it's glint in the sunlight.

"Okay, I get it! Put that thing away, Bakura. Some old people are staring at us." In the corner of my eye, I saw some people out on their porch, shaking their heads with disapproval and murmuring about 'young people today'.

He looked crestfallen. "Fine, I'll put her away, but later, my precious will want to come out and play." I rolled my eyes. I never should have taken him to see "The Lord of the Rings". It gave him too many ideas, especially about magic rings.

We approached the game shop. I looked at my yami who, at the moment, looked like he was planning to burn the building down. "Yami, forget about it," I said.

"Oh, come on, vessel, just part of it? They could claim insurance. They could open a bigger and better shop!" He was giving me puppy dog eyes. Actual puppy dog eyes. I focused the glare of death at him. He started slowly backing away from me. "Okay, hikari, no need to get violent now."

I grabbed his arm and pulled him through door. I could hear my yami whimpering behind me. I swear, sometimes it seems like I need to drag him around on a leash. Though that may give him the wrong impression.

Yugi's grandfather stood behind the counter. "Ryou," he cried, "Everyone's upstairs! But me. No, an old man is not allowed to 'party'. I have to stay down here and sell these stupid, worthless cards to a bunch of geeky kids who sit around all day and pretend that they have 'magic powers' who couldn't even impress a five-year-old child that comes from a country where they don't even have woven cloth yet and now I won't get to see my Anzu, my sweet and lovely Anzu, who could have born my children if I were younger, instead I have to wipe the counters clean and wash the floors and organize a bunch of square cardboard papers that people pay incredible amounts of money for and yet I still seem to live in a small shack above a grimy shop that smells like stale chicken soup and..."

Both Bakura and I slowly backed away from the apparently insane old gentleman, and when I felt us hit the staircase, we quickly turned around and made a mad dash for the top of the stairs. We burst through the door to Yugi's bedroom. I chose that moment to trip over a piece of lint lying on his wood floor. Everyone turned around to stare at us.

Only Seto Kaiba decided to speak. "Yugi's grandfather?" he asked.

I nodded, breathlessly. Everyone exhaled at the same time.

"That's great," Bakura whispered harshly into my ear, "you and your stupid left feet. How the hell can I look cool with you doing things like that?"

I leered at him in response.

Anzu came over. "Do you need any help?" she asked.

My yami glared at her, and let out a small growl. She ran away to the other side, and hid behind Yugi. Well, she tried to. It was just that, well, he only came up to about her stomach. She tried crouching down, but you could still see her head and shoulders. She then picked Yugi up, so her head was hidden, but you could still see her feet. That seemed to satisfy her, though, because she stayed that way for about five minutes.

Everyone began mingling more comfortably, so my yami and I decided to sample some punch. "Ryou, this stuff is great. You oughta try some."  
By the time I turned around, half the bowl was drained already.

"Geeze, yami, why don't ya finish the whole thing. It's not like anyone else wants some," I said, pointing towards the line of people that extended halfway across the block. Someone outside the window yelled 'hurry up!' In answer to me, my yami let out a nice, disgusting burp. Some books fell off of the bookshelves onto some of the guests heads. I pulled him away from the bowl. "Yami, that's just gross."

"Come on Ryou, in other countries, it's polite to burp, to show your appreciation of the food."

"In other countries, people only wash once a week."

"Your point being...?"

"You are just a Neanderthal. One of these days I'm going to send you to the museum to be stuffed."

From the other side of the room, five feet away, I heard screaming. I quickly spun around (why is it always quickly?) to see Tristan laying on the floor, with Yuugi-tachi surrounding him. "My hair, my beautiful hair! Look what you've done to it," he said, glaring at Bakura. Suddenly I realized that the Encyclopedia of Middle Earth that was lying by his side, must have flattened his do. Before I had time to react (by throwing Bakura out the window) I heard a beep coming from a monitor. I realized that it was hooked up to Tristan, tracking his heartbeats. To everyone's dismay, the beeps started slowing down. Someone yelled out 'stat,' and suddenly, out of nowhere (which is located two miles from Topeka, Kansas) three doctors appeared, from that TV show, ER. Wow, I thought that was fictional. Humph. Well, I guess that weird things happen to real people like me sometimes.

Anyway, the doctors tried the best that they could, but in the end, Tristan's heartbeats slowed to a flatline. They couldn't decide what to do with him, so they took him outside, where a man was walking around with a cart, yelling "Bring out yer dead." How fortunate! After the initial shock, people started crying. In particular, Otogi (DC: I will not call him 'Duke.' blech.) (Hey, who's that talking in my head?) (authoress whips out Millennium Ring and forces Ryou to forget her) and Serenity where really bawling.

Otogi cried out "I never got to tell you how much I loved you!"

In turn, Serenity cried out, "I never got to tell you how much I hated you!" and consequently collapsed into Otogi's arms, who instantly took it as an opportunity to fondle her (almost nonexistent --;;) breasts. The (almost nonexistent )area between his legs promptly received a visit from the business end of Serenity's foot.

Now, it was Yugi's turn to cry. It's his party, and he can cry if he wants to. Cry if he wants to. Cry if he wants to. I would cry too, if it happened to me. "Everybody shut up!" he shrieked in the highest pitched voice imaginable. "If you don't follow my orders, I will tell Yami to Mind-Crush you all!"

"But aibou," Yami said in a frankly girlish voice, "I don't want to do that!"

"Yami, you know what happens when you disobey me."

"I know. I'm sorry, Yugi." With that, he stepped up to a blank piece of wall, and began banging his head against it, yelling, "Oh Yugi, master of all that is good in the world, accept my apology, and allow me to lick your feet after you go jogging." Yugi had a very pleased, yet disturbing look on his face.

While all this was going on, my yami was getting drunker by the second by the apparently spiked punch. (I still don't understand how you drink it if it has spikes in it.) By the time I turned around, it was too late to get the lighter out of his hand, too late to stop him from setting fire to the punch bowl, too late to stop him from saying, "Ooh, pretty fire, me like pretty fire," and too late to stop him from trying to touch the flame. Of course, this set off a chain of events, in which my yami, quickly pulling his burnt hand out of the way, screaming "Ouchie, that huwt," happened to bump into the table, which happened to set the punch bowl flying into the air, which happened to land on Yugi's bed. I ran for it, in slow motion (neat trick, right?) and yelled, "Noo-ooo-ooo-oo-ooo,"(also in slow motion). It didn't work. Yugi's bed was set aflame, quickly spreading to the other parts of the room. Which wasn't much. Everyone started to stampede at once, and I was caught in the middle. The last thing I remember was yelling out, vengefully, (damn adverbs) "Bakura-aa-aa-aaa (are you starting to recognize the slow mo now? ), you are going to pay for this...

... we need to get an estimate of how much everything in the room is worth, and also, we can't forget about mental damages to the victim. All in all, you're gonna be paying through your nose!" (That's a long line for vengeful last words. O.o)

* * *

_A.N. Mommy, I'm scared. The big bad story is trying to kill me!_

_Mommy: Excellent..._

_Ciao!_


End file.
